What if This is Death?

What if

this

is Death?

Me,

here, on this

couch,

dizzy-breathing,

new-age music playing from the

TV speakers.

Do I know the difference?

Yes, I see my

children

there,

(still, so

far away),

by text, or

on blue

screen only –

Hush –

they are

thriving and

okay.

What if, in death,

I can still watch,

feel,

hear,

be the observer I’ve

become?

After a while,

no one

needs you

to hold the weight of

small bodies,

rocking away their

fever,

fears,

singing to them in a

steam-filled

bathroom.

What if

this

is death,

this breath,

and

lightheadedness,

and

all the rest, a

familiar

room?

I stand up –

or do I? –

make a cup of rich roast

coffee

way too late in the

afternoon.

Out these windows,

night

falls.

I may or may not still

be

here.

I won’t sleep

tonight.

Not at

all.

Why have I feared you

all these

years?

____

Gae is the author of several novels for readers of all ages, though shelved as tween and young adult. You can read more about her and her books at gaepolisner.com